An Eye for an Eye...

"Whosoever shall smite thee on they right cheek, turn to him the other also, and if any man will take way thy coat, let him have thy cloak also." - Leo Tolstoy

Lately, I have felt very censored with my blog and have been holding back what has been on mind at that moment and time. If I can't express myself better, people who follow me will think my blog is boring, not that I care about other's opinions particularly, but I don't want to be censored.

Ever since I was a small child, I have been more mature and thought of things no child should ever have to think about. For instance: Will my mommy be thrown into the wall again?; Will I have to leave school early only to change my baby brother's diaper again since my step-dad can't do it?; Will I be left alone again with both my infant brother and sister?; or Will my mommy get beat up by my step-dad again? I can go on and on, but my point is not to pull all those skeletons out of my walk-in closet. I have tried to live my life to the point where I will never have to live on the floor of a van again or in a family shelter. Basically, I am living my life so that I won't ever have to repeat my childhood experience or have my future children live that way. I think though, I might have lost myself along the way...meaning forgetting where I came from.

When my family started going to church, which was a huge turning point of our lives, I started going to the church's private school. No its wasn't a catholic school for girls or some rich fancy private school either, just a christian school K4-12th with a whole 200 students. I remember from the beginning that I didn't fit in, but wanted to and would do anything to do so. I distinctly remember the pastor's daughter, who was in my class till I flunked 4th grade, bribing me with a bag full of clothes so she could take my place as line leader. I couldn't believe that I fell for that, but who offers a bag of clothes to their fellow classmate in 3rd grade?

Throughout elementary and high school is probably where I started seeing the effects of stereotyping and that snobby "white" girls existed. And I purposely "" "white" because they were not all of Caucasian origin, some just acted as though they belonged to "white" people because of the atmosphere and of course the Pastor's wife encouraging to date within our own races because the bible says so, so everyone wanted to be "white". I was accused of stealing a school camera in high school, to the point where the principal and the pastor's wife threatened to call the police on me, which made me feel more hatred towards them because they didn't know me good enough, I was just a "bus kid" to them.

I can tell you that I never have smoked or did drugs in my whole entire life, and I'm proud of it. I can also tell you where I work people think I am a Democrat, but I am afraid to really say I'm not because of fear that they won't talk freely about there hate of Republicans, which I find hilarious. I am in the middle when it comes to politics and I am not a raging political-holic, nor see myself of ever becoming that. I will stand up for what is right and fight, that's basically the extent of that, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and or religion.

I am reading Anna Karenin written by Leo Tolstoy and came across the above passage which sparked this post. It stayed with me throughout the night so this morning I looked it up and 'lo and behold it is a bible reference, Matthew 5:38-48. I don't want to lose myself because of stupid things like a stolen camera, I don't want to lose my sight of becoming something great in this crappy world. I don't want to retaliate and in the end reap sorrow. I will never forget where I came from, I will use that to better myself and live a more meaningful life regardless of what people might think. So, good 'ol Tolstoy helped lead me into find the following words of wisdom which I needed:

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ 39 “But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40 “If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. 41 “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42 “Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.